QUESTION: Your new book Automatic 2nd Date offers a unique dating approach. Why focus so much on getting a 2nd date?
VICTORYA: If you can’t get past the first date, you won’t be booking a honeymoon anytime soon. The sad thing is ladies who would really be great catches are just blowing it and scaring their dates away by making silly, careless mistakes on their first dates—like talking too much, obsessing on exes, talking about marriage, calling the guy before or after the first date. If they just tweak a few of their dating behaviors, they can transform their dating life without changing who they are! If these secrets become a habit, you can stop stressing about first dates and focus on your man and deciding if HE is the great catch and worth your time. When you do that, 2nd dates become automatic.
QUESTION: 98 of 100 first dates asked you out for a 2nd! Were you just a natural at dating or was there a point in your dating life where things dramatically changed to gain that high percentage?
VICTORYA: I was NOT a natural at dating. They don’t teach you how to date in school. Sure I had my share of 1st dates, but I didn’t have my first BOYFRIEND until I was 21! It wasn’t until utter frustration at 23 that I decided to really study the art of dating. I read every dating book on the shelves and observed successful couples and watched the celebrities around me since I was in Hollywood. I learned the walk and the talk and finally men took notice, asked me out and the 2nd dates began to become automatic.
QUESTION: How can one back on the dating scene after a long absence adopt your hopeful attitude?
VICTORYA: Before you jump back into the world of dating allow yourself time to heal and reflect on where you’ve been. What was missing in your past love life? This is your season to really make it all about you. Love yourself first and deliberately pursue the life you always wanted! If you’re a single mom, obviously you need to seriously consider the needs of your children. But you also have to take care of you and come up with what you really want in a relationship before you start dating again. If you don’t know what you want then you’ll just date whoever takes notice and most likely that is was your problem in the past. You are valuable deserve to have a great relationship. But you have to believe that and know to recognize him when is comes along!
QUESTION: You say every woman has an internal “Male GPS.” What is it and how do we use it?
VICTORYA: Available men are everywhere -- at the drive-thru, at work, at school, at church, at restaurants, at the mall, the gas station, sporting events, etc. You just have to know what you’re looking for and believe he exists. The Male GPS –male global positioning satellite—is in your mind. Your mind is an extremely power instrument that is always working and wants to be right! The problem is we are inundated with so much constant information, we need focus to notice things. When you focus on something enough, amazingly it seems to begin appearing everywhere you go. Let’s talk cars as an example. If you want that new blue Honda SUV, of course you believe it exists and it’s on your mind so it suddenly stands out every time one drives by. Just like thinking of your next car, think about what kind of guy you want.
The key to finding your next 1st date begins with your mind. You can instantly turn on your internal MALE GPS by figuring out specifically what you’re looking for in a guy, visualizing a man with those traits and believing he exists.
QUESTION: In Automatic 2nd Date you list many unique places to meet men. Tell us a few.
VICTORYA: I advise skipping bars and clubs and just plunging yourself into the social world around you—be it at your church, country club, charity, or a special-interest group at your community center. As you interact with more and more people, you will automatically find yourself around — and introduced to — available men.
QUESTION: You say the three-second flirt is a great way to get noticed and land first dates. How does it work?
VICTORYA: FLIRT with him! Have you found someone who catches your eye? Then look at him. I have a lot of dating tips in The Automatic 2nd Date. One of them is to make sure you catch his eye. Eye contact is huge! Next time you’re in a “target rich environment" of potential dates, slowly scan the room with calm, soft eyes, resting your eyes briefly on any man who captures your attention, then casually glance for a bare ring finger. If the finger is bare, lock into a gaze for your three-second flirt... Add a slight smile or grin, and then casually look away. You can repeat it several times to get your point across if you’d like. Just realize that any longer than a 5 second glance at a time will border on creepy and you don't want that.
QUESTION: Victorya, you say NEVER accept last minute dates, especially for 1st and 2nd dates. So what’s wrong with accepting last minute dates?
VICTORYA: The first 2 dates are when you establish how you expect to be treated without telling him how you want to be treated! If he calls you at the last minute, say something like “I’d love to, but I’ve just got something else going. How about a rain check?’ I don’t care if you’re home doing your laundry. He doesn’t need to know. You’re just not available at the last minute. By this, you’re establishing that you’re worth calling early. This is about establishing are not a last minute thought. You are popular and worth the effort to book early in the week so he is sure to find you available for quality time with him.”
QUESTION: You imply a first date is really an interview. You even give us 100 potential questions. Come on now, wouldn't that be a turn off to your date and how can you prevent an interrogation?
VICTORYA: A first date IS an interview. It's an interview to put him at ease, draw him out and get him talking about his favorite subject--himself! You want him to have a great time and talking about himself will ensure he does indeed enjoy your company. To keep your questions from sounding like an interrogation you just have to focus in and listen to his answers to your questions and go from there. You’re guiding the conversation, not dictating it. If you genuinely stay tuned in and listen to him, then the questions that come to your mind will help the conversation flow naturally and you will draw him to you. One of the easiest ways to get a 2nd date is to be genuinely interested in what your date has to say! Everyone wants to be heard. When you listen he will feel understood and he will want to see you again. So offer your undivided attention, look him in the eye, ask relevant questions, and see how fast your phone rings!
QUESTION: What are some definite “Do’s” to keep in mind on first dates?
VICTORYA: Here are my five top “Do’s" aside from looking at your date: 1) Look your best, 2) Put your best self forward, 3) laugh with him, 4) flatter him, and especially 6) listen to him. As I said, I always recommend asking your date a lot of questions about him then truly listening to his answers. Like every other human being, he is his own favorite subject, so he’ll be sure to have a great time and besides you WANT the information he reveals so you can figure out if you two are a match long before you are emotionally involved.
QUESTION: How about some “First Date Don’ts”?
VICTORYA: Oh my, there are definitely some First Date Don’ts! 1st dates are about holding back. Use RESTAINT and self control across the board if you want your first date to become a 2nd date. That goes for whatever you say and whatever you do. Here are my top 7 Don’ts for First Dates.
--Don’t dress sleazy
--Don’t talk too much
--Don’t go off on past relationships
--Don’t reveal hatred for the male species
--Don’t expose enormous debt
--Don’t tell him he’s THE ONE
--Don’t put out on that first date!
QUESTION: In Automatic 2nd Date you talk about you talk about "mirroring" your date to get on his wavelength. What is it? Does it really work? And won't your date figure out what you’re doing?
VICTORYA: If you really want to connect on that first date and quickly get on his wavelength, then you’ll want to master the art of mirroring your date. Mirroring is simply copying or mimicking your date’s tone, mood, pace, and even the position in which he sits (i.e., if he’s sitting back, you sit back; if he has his hands on the table, place your hands on the table). Mimicking his body-language is so subtle that your date probably won’t notice, yet he’ll find himself comfortable with you and want to see you again. The truth is that when two people really connect, the mirroring happens automatically. You’re just jump starting your connection by mirroring him deliberately.
QUESTION: You say "Don't put out" on that first date. What about women who are recently divorced or widowed? Isn’t it hard to hold back physically when you’re used to not holding back?
VICTORYA: The transition from being married and freely having sex with your spouse to holding back your passion as you jump back into the dating can be difficult for some ladies. But if you are looking for a relationship to develop, you must have restraint! Sometimes you just have to be tough. Getting that second date is about self control and holding back, not about letting loose and putting out. The physical always progresses rather than goes backward. Take it slow so there’s somewhere to go.
QUESTION: Victorya, you say the man should always pay for the first date. Can you or should you pay for any part of it?
VICTORYA: If you pay for your 1st date, you’ve established that you are just buddies or that he doesn’t have to pursue or pamper you. So don’t pay for any part of the first date. If a relationship progresses there will be plenty of time to occasionally treat him or to pitch in for part of your time together. Your goal on the first few dates is to let him impress you!
QUESTION: So the first date is over. Now what? Can you call or text your date the next day to thank him?
VICTORYA: No, no, no, don't you dare call that man! When the first date is over, just relax and go on with your life, no matter how much you were into your date. Do NOT call or text your date before he contacts you! Sure you can and should thank him at the end of the date, but no need for a follow-up thank you unless HE sends you a thank you gift. (Even if your romantic date was as incredible as a ride in a helicopter to see the lights of downtown, it is in your best interest NOT to call him the next day. If he’s treating you like that, you certainly don’t want to scare him away by chasing HIM.
QUESTION: What would you say to someone who went on a date, thought everything was perfect, yet never received a call back for a second date?
VICTORYA: If you haven’t heard back from your date within a couple of weeks, even if you were convinced it went wonderfully, think back about that evening. Did you really have anything in common? Did you talk too much about yourself? Did you “go too far” physically to the extent that you felt a little guilty the next day? Did you act too needy, too pushy, too bossy, too snotty or too boring? If any of this is the case, your date may have been scared away and wouldn’t tell you even if you asked. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though; just let it go. It was only one date and if he’s gone, that person wasn’t meant for you. At least by reviewing it honestly in your mind, you may be able to learn what to do on your next first date.
QUESTION: Thanks Victorya, where can our audience get your book as well as more dating tips?
VICTORYA: Thank you. I hope I have helped you begin to see that dating does NOT have to be overwhelming, scary or stressful. In fact, believe it or not you can actually enjoy the process. There is so much more information I'd love to impart to make dating less anxiety-filled, so please feel free to visit my website anytime and/or check out my books at www.mantokeep.com. My books are also available at a bookstore near you.