When you make mistakes (and we all do), it is what you do NEXT that matters most. As most of the world saw today, Tiger Woods came out with his official apology after months of absence and silence. He said everything you could have wanted him to say. He took full responsibility for his actions, praised his wife for her “grace” in the circumstances, defended his wife and family, and announced he had been in counseling and rehab this whole time and will be going right back to rehab. Business-wise it was brilliant; golf is happy they will soon (probably not soon enough) get their champion back; and sponsors can breathe a sigh of relief. My feedback as a relationship coach? He has thus far done all the right things (from what we see) to get his marriage back. As he mentioned, it is not his words but rather his long term actions that will earn him back his wife’s trust. But he has made all the right steps thus far. Lesson to be learned by anyone who makes monumental mistakes? There is always hope for tomorrow. You CAN start over. Yes, you will have consequences and major damage control. But it is what you do AFTER the mistake that determines the quality of your future. The public forgets. Those closest to you don’t, unless you sincerely confess and make amends over time.

As a relationship coach I often get sent books by fellow authors for me to check out for my clients. Some are good and some are…well some I don’t tell you about because it’s not worth your time to read. One of the books I recently read, 51 Things You Should  Know Before Getting Engaged, offered thought provoking insight AND it was a quick read which you can skim in 5 minutes or dive in and spend a few hours with when you are ready to get honest with yourself. Whereas I don’t agree with everything psychotherapist Michael Batshaw says in this little book, I do agree that it is important to know what you’re getting into before you grab that ring. And ladies, too often you shy away from really important questions because “you’re in love” and it “just feels so right.”  Wake up and smell the heartbreak! Pick up this book, get answers to your questions from your man (and give him the honest answers from you as well) and find out if you two have what it takes for “’till death do us part”. You’ll be glad you did.

I watched the story on last night that reality star Heidi Montag, at just 23, had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day back in November and made it clear this will be far from her last. Married to fellow reality star Spencer Pratt, People magazine claims he was not for the surgeries as he thinks she’s perfect as is, rather it was Heidi’s personal obsession. Ladies, I don’t have a problem with plastic surgery in general. I am saddened when it is clearly an addiction, because when it is an addiction, there is much more going on internally and emotionally. Heidi is empty inside and feels that physical perfection is going to fill that void, it’s not. And besides physical perfection is an illusion. She was a beautiful girl before her first surgery in 2007 (if that was indeed her first) and yet that didn’t fulfill her. I dive into the topic of if/when & how often to indulge in cosmestic procedures in both my relationship books FINDING A MAN WORTH KEEPING and THE AUTOMATIC 2nd DATE. Check them out if you want insight on how to decide if it’s for you. In the meantime, if you are contemplating going under the knife journal about it ahead of time to get to the bottom of the real reason you want the surgery. Is it to feel more love? Is it to be accepted? It it to feel worthy? What happens if you don’t get those results? What are other ways to feel these results? Improving bad teeth, a crooked nose or other perceived flaws can do wonders IF you already love YOU and are emotionally healthy the way you are before the change. As you read this, if you find that you, like Heidi, feel empty inside and think that more beauty, more money, more something will fill the void, check out this link!

It’s the end of 2009 and the end of a DECADE. It went fast, didn’t it? As the year and decade comes to the end I’ve been doing a lot of reading and pondering about what has been and what is to come.  Guess what? The next decade is going to be great! One book I came across is an inspiring small little book filled with affirmations that we can all benefit from–especially any woman who is going through an unexpected life transition be it a breakup, divorce, or loss or any type. Just one minute a day with Sonja Samuel’s little book WHEN I ACCEPTED ME can help you push through the pain and jump into hope and happiness. Here’s an interview with Sonja about this fun book:

Victorya: Sonja, Why write about accepting yourself and self-esteem and what are you meaning?

Sonja: Self esteem is the extent to which we like, respect and accept ourselves. It encompasses our beliefs, emotions and behavior. It has been said that 2 out of 3 people at any given time suffers from low self esteem, and low self esteem can negatively affect every part of our lives. The way we think is essential to winning over negativity and boosting self esteem.

Victorya: I agree we all have negative self-talk going on that can be very defeating. Why is self-esteem important to you?

Sonja: Self esteem is important to me because after dealing with a difficult separation and divorce, I found myself struggling to rebuild my self esteem. That whole experience had taken me down a road of despair and depression like I had never experienced before. High self esteem had never been a problem for me so when life became difficult and it challenged me to question myself, I was completely thrown for a loop. It caused me to question my self- worth and value, and in the end I really struggled with accepting myself. I started thinking something must be wrong with me. I had gotten lost in my emotions when it really was about what was going on in my head. High self esteem starts with what we think! Sometimes we suffer from ‘thinking stinking’ and that can present a different set of issues; overall, I learned that to develop high self esteem we must examine what we think because that is what shapes our perspective and allows us to accept ourselves along with the challenges of life from a more positive perspective than negative one. That’s why I focused my book on positive affirmations for accepting me.

Victorya: What are some things we can do each day to help build our self esteem?

Sonja: Here are seven simple steps that we all can do to help our self-esteem: 1) Smile often to yourself and to others. Greet others when you see them and ask how they are and how their day is going. This helps build positive relationships with others. 2) Eliminate the negative. When a negative thought enters your mind, stop and immediately counter it with a positive thought about the same subject.   3) Be nice to others and be nice to yourself. Conversely, don’t degrade others and don’t degrade yourself. 4) Face your fears and forget your failures (after learning from them). Focus on your achievements and successes. Reward yourself when you succeed. 5) Quit thinking about trying to be perfect. No one is, so just accept that as it is. Don’t be too competitive and don’t compare yourself with others. 6) Don’t worry about what others think of you. Just be the best you that you can be. And 7) Hang out with positive and optimistic people who also have high self esteem and self confidence. But when you are around negative people, try to direct your positive and optimistic thoughts in their direction. Don’t let them pull down your level of self confidence or self esteem.

Victorya: This all sounds great….plus I’ve read your book! How can my readers get their hands on their own copy of your fun book of affirmations?

Sonja: WHEN I ACCEPTED ME can be ordered from my website at www.sonjasamuel.com. It would be a great way to start the year and to recharge for the coming year. We are extending it at our special introduction offer of $14.95 because we want to get the book out into as many hands as possible. For me it is a tool for empowering others which is my personal mission in life.

I’ve been radio silent thus far on the whole Tiger Woods infidelities but after hearing three ladies in a row comment on the Ryan Seacrest radio show I had to give my feedback. Ladies, if you are seeing a married man, you deserve the pain you get. He will NOT leave his wife for you 99% of the time and for the 1% of you who do get the man to leave his wife, you end up with a man who will definitely cheat on you later. Once a cheater always a cheater. One of the girls who called into Ryan Seacrest’s show the other day was saying she didn’t know her guy was married for a full year (they’ve been dating for 2 years–notes she’s still with him after the revelation). Now that she knows, she is convinced he will eventually leave the wife (yeah right). And my question for her is how can you go an entire year and not know your man is married? Do you never go to his home? Are you so blind that you can’t see the blaring red flags. I had to smile as Seacrest actually gave wise dating advice the entire 1/2 hour I was listening…who knew he knew? Bottom line, if he’s married, end it the second you find out, period. Why be the contributor to the demise of a family and have that on your conscience? Not to mention the fact that you are the one who will lose the most of your own life and future as you waste it on him!

What practical challenge can I leave you with today instead of just berating you? If you’ve found yourself dating a married or otherwise “taken” man, ask yourself why you have found yourself only with men who are unavailable and write about it in your journal. Somewhere inside you know the reason, write it down to bring it to your full consciousness. Even if you’ve been the mistress and tramp (as many wives call you) in the past, you don’t have to be in the future. Love yourself enough to make the changes necessary to attract men who can love you and fully commit…and by that I mean single mean who can commit.

Life Stories just uploaded my story of my life thus far–my road to becoming a Hollywood agent, the saga of looking for love in all the wrong places, and the ever after story of how I found my man and God’s sense of humor in the midst of it all. Check it out: Victorya Rogers–From Hollywood to Ever After

I just watched the entire interview with ousted beauty queen Carrie Prejean about the latest scandal about her alleged “sex tape” and this is another case of her being blasted in the media because of her being a conservative Christian speaking out on her beliefs. When I heard the rumor of the new scandal I was obviously annoyed thinking “Girl, how dumb can you be?? … especially if you knew you had a tape out there!” Let’s just say it is worth watching the interview on The Today Show (November 10, People section). Her “sex tape” was not her having sex with herself or anyone else. Actually if was a dumb choice of hers to do what is now commonly known as “sexting”– a one time text of a short video she took of herself only on her phone for her boyfriend when she was 17. The lesson she says is really for all teens across America and that is everything you do affects you for the rest of your life and can come back to haunt you. She was not proud of her actions, tho’ she never thought it would come out or that her ex even had the clip still on his phone. But she feels it only enhances the message she shares in her new book Still Standing. Though the media will continue to try and vilify her because she is a conservative, her message is worth hearing, girls, please think before you grab your camera — there is NO privacy these days with the access to Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. What you do is out there for the world to see and you to regret! And I can’t end this blog without sharing my agreement with her on her point that if she were a liberal none of this would be in the press. It’s interesting, isn’t it, that there is free of speech for a liberal point of view, but when it is a conservative point of view the media goes on a mission to discredit and destroy? It has become politically correct to be everything anti-Christian but for those who speak up for Jesus, you will be vilified in the media….hmmm, doesn’t the Bible tell us that will happen? Sad but happening. Check out the link below for the full interview:

I just heard the perfect breakup song… of course it’s more palatable for a lost love years past because it is then that you’re able to see the blessing in the relationship ending, even if it wasn’t YOUR idea to end it. As I listened to “What Can I Say” on the released-this-week 3rd album for Carrie Underwood album PLAY ON, I recounted a few painful breakups in my past. Oh the heartache back then…and yet as I think back now, if I were to run into any of these guys I would truly walk right up and say “Thank you for dumping me! I hope you are truly happy in your life because I am. If you and I didn’t end, I would not have been free when I found my husband and I wouldn’t have the two precious kids I have with him.” Sure it’s never easy to end a relationship, as the song says, but as time passes and you find the right one, you see the blessing and can appreciate what the past was and thankful it isn’t your now. One side note, What Can I Say is actually a duet with Carrie Underwood and newcomers Sons of Sylvia (which is the NEW name for The Clark Brothers who won the 2009 Next Great American Band)

About 3 years ago Marie Osmond arrived in Los Angeles with two of her seven children to visit her best friend and speak to a group of young girls. She had brought her youngest of girls along only because she had this annoying intuition that she HAD to bring her, even tho’ it was going to be very inconvenient to bring a toddler on a business trip. Awaking to the morning news, she quickly saw WHY her intuition kept demanding she bring the child–her home in Utah had caught fire in the night destroying their garage, Marie’s office and the bedroom of the two girls with her–everyone else survived. If she had NOT brought her two little girls on this trip, chances are they would have died in the blaze. This is how this book of memories from Mare’s life opens. All of Marie’s journals she had faithfully written over the years sadly burned in the fire. So when the publishers asked her to write this book she had to sit down to reminisce afresh on memories that helped shape who she is today. The results an endearing look into a real person we can all relate to. She encourages us all to pay attention to our “gut” and intuition as it can prevent us from disaster (i.e. the fire) and to listen to the lessons we come upon at inconvenient and unexpected times to help us make the right choices (i.e the encounter she had with a bitter drunken Shelly Winters, the Oscar winning star, about how she wished SHE had spent more time with her own daughter). There are several mystic encounters Osmond shares which you have to take her word for. She is a woman who passionately believes in her personal faith in her God and has charming stories to share of parenthood, midlife and womanhood.This is NOT an autobiography of her entire life, rather it is glimpses of her life since motherhood , including her divorce from her 2nd husband, with a lot of emphasis on her time on Dancing with the Stars. A throughly fun read–I read the entire book on a cross-country flight and was left wanting even more.

On Sofa’s Edge we like to offer our viewers tools to help them improves their lives and marriages. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs book LOVE AND RESPECT offers great insight to help any troubled marriage. If you want to know what your spouse’s basic needs are and HOW to meet those needs without feeling you lose yourself, pick up this book. To catch our review the show, go to The Sofa’s Edge–Anatomy of An Affair