Victorya Michaels Rogers
Helping Women Make Better Choices in Love and in Life
ManToKeep.com is where Love & Life Coach Victorya Michaels Rogers offers women real answers to relationship issues, tips about love, dating secrets, marriage advice, and communication skills to help all women make better choices in love and life so they can live the life of their dreams.
Life and Relationship Coach Dallas, Fort Worth, Southlake, Texas Hollywood, California - Victorya Rogers

Miley lost more than a fiance

Miley and her fiancé Liam Hemsworth just broke up. Big shock….really now?? She was engaged and chose to do a naked video. The only reason to do something like that is for shock value to gain mega publicity and hits on social media and youtube and try and boost record sales at a mere cost of your dignity. Madonna, Lady Gaga, Christine Aquilara, Brittney Spears… They all have done the over the top sexual content videos and shock value performances on TV to boost their careers. Let me just say that is why I like the country scene. Carrie Underwood is not doing those kinds of videos and she is doing just fine on record sales. Pink commented on Miley Cyrus’ antics in a recent interview. Tho’ she didn’t judge her for her decision, she did basically say we all have to grow up and in doing so we make some not so great choices along the way. Pink went on to say that she was not a fan of Miley’s choice. Girls, you are not catching yourself a quality boy by twerking or behaving in shocking, sexual manners. You are discounting yourself and other females by doing so. Sure it is fun to dance around. But acting a way that degrades your self-esteem and shows you have little self-respect does not get you where you want to go. Sure Miley achieved her goal in gaining a ton of temporary media attention but for what purpose? Publicity is supposed to gain you more records sales. But who buys her music? Her longtime base. She is saying goodbye to them and starting a fresh–Don’t know if that is such a wise business decision when you’ve got a strong, solid base eager to spend a lot of money on you and you just alienated a large sum of them. Perhaps Liam Hemsworth and Miley would have broken up anyway, but the bigger loss is Miley’s dignity. http://www.tmz.com/2013/09/15/miley-cyrus-liam-hemsworth-fiance-over-twitter/

Hey Moms, Get by with a Little Help from Your Friends!

I caught another episode of The-Judds, a reality series capturing the three week reunion tour of the mother-daughter country superstars of the 80s, Naomi and Wynonna Judd. Their dysfunctional relationship necessitated a therapist joining them on the road as they attempted healing as they faced their painful past. This particular episode included the release of other famous daughter Ashley Judd’s autobiography. Mama Judd Naomi was devastated to realize her lack of parenting skills caused lifelong pain to both famous daughters. What stood out to me in this episode, as they revisited Ashley and Wynonna’s childhood Los Angeles homes before fame, was that they did NOT have a support system.

Naomi was a single mom of two young girls working 2 and 3 jobs to put food on the table and yet she had no support system. Single moms out there, in fact all women, we need support systems. The best support system I can guide you towards (outside of family when you have family of course) is to get involved with a local church–a great place to meet God, and find friends to get you through a lifetime! Indeed, we get by with a little help from our friends! What better place to meet friends that at church? Churches these days have such wonderful support groups, especially in this age of mega-churches.

Here are just a few (of the MANY fabulous churches with great support systems set up) Here in the Bible-belt where I live in Texas there’s my home church Gateway in Southlake (with campuses in North Richland Hills and Frisco). There’s also http://www.fellowshipchurch.com/ in Grapevine, Oklahoma has Life Church in Edmond, California has Saddleback Church. Wherever you are, get involved in your local church, be it large or small, and get the help and support you need.  Having recently had a death in the family, I was just amazed at how immediately my church family surrounded us and helped up put the funeral together and just be there for us. I’ve asked myself several times in my life “What do people do who don’t have a church family in times of need?” The Judds episode tonight showed me what they do…have a hard time. If you are out there going it alone as a mom, let me encourage you that there is support for you out there waiting for you.

Nothing like Snuggling Up with a Great Book!

I’ve been reading again…I’ve missed doing that during the past few months as I’ve been on my own writing deadlines. But I’m back to devouring good books.  Just thought I’d give a little snippet into the books on my bedside table this week.

I read Heaven is For Real about a four year old’s amazing journey to heaven and back–a must read for anyone who has lost a loved one. You will be touched deeply and will find yourself thinking about these pages long after you’ve finished the book! (It may just get you into your Bible to cross reference what you read).

I also read the Purity Principle by Randy Alcorn. I’m a huge Alcorn fan, having read most of his books. This one offers wisdom that is all too often ignored, resulting in heartbreaking, life altering consequences. Ladies, how I pray you will  love yourselves enough and have patience enough to reclaim purity in your lives.

Today I dove into two books–Shania Twain’s memoir From This Moment On and the updated biography of Elizabeth Taylor The Most Beautiful Woman in the World. Both books begin with the little known sad childhoods of two adored celebrities and follows their paths to fame and fortune. But that does not mean they have found happiness. Heartbreak tears their worlds apart, yet they both rise to the occasion, over and over. Ultimately both are inspiring reads.

So ladies, summer is just around the corner. Inspire yourself by sneaking in plenty f moments to snuggle up to a great book, or two or three. Reading the story of another’s journey may be just what you need to be encouraged to hang in there and persevere. Who knows….what you dreamed of may literally be a breath away, so don’t give up.

Ever thought “I Can’t Believe I Said That!?”

Have you ever felt like you said the wrong thing at the wrong time? You know, in the height of emotions you went for the jugular and said what you knew better than to say it…

To cheer you this Christmas season, I thought I’d let you see some of the top CEOs blunders when they had… um…a lack of self-control. Some times it feels good to know we are not alone in our mistakes and sometimes people blow it MUCH worse than we do. As we heard pastor Craig Groeschel say when he was visiting our church this weekend– “Bless their heart.”Click here to read the Newsweek article.

It not what you do WRONG that counts. We all make mistakes, believe me. Rather, it’s what we do AFTER our blunder. Being humble, asking forgiveness and doing the next right thing is what shows your true character. And frankly it helps a lot when you turn to God to help you through your mistakes.

Love and Other Drugs–Hit or Miss?

Love & Other Drugs is the Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway starring film is an unconventional love story set during the introduction of Viagra into the marketplace, loosely based on the book HARD SELL by Pziser’s then #1 salesman Jamie Reidy.

The seemingly perfect set up for a see-it-over-and-over-again romantic comedy, LOVE & OTHER DRUGS revolves around a handsome, ladies-man sales superstar (Gyllenhaal) falling for a jaded, seen-it-all pretty girl (Hathaway), with a major twist — she’s sick and pushes everyone away because she’s convinced no one will stay (So why bother with false hope? She reasons).

Here’s where I’m conflicted on my love/hate for this movie. What I liked was the emotional roller coaster of the main characters, that two lost people manage to find each other, the realistic life choices they wrestled, with and the heartwarming sensitivity to the the plight of sufferers of Parkinson’s disease. So yes, the set up, story line, and much of the film was intriguing, including a stellar cast and an award worthy performance from Anne Hathaway.

What I didn’t like was the excessive, squirm in your seats, gratuitous sex and over the top choices made by seasoned director Ed Zwick (Glory, Defiance, Legands of the Fall), leaving the audience noticeably uncomfortable on at least three occasions. Scene after scene of impulsive, aggressive, explicit sex filled much of the air-time of an otherwise well written, thought-provoking film. Here’s the deal Hollywood, I know longtime “good girl” actresses like to breakout of their stereotypes and do an “edgy role,” but America really doesn’t want to see their sweethearts naked–not Julia Roberts, not Julie Andrews, and not Anne Hathaway.

In my one-on-one interview with the director Zwick defended his choices of excessiveness saying it would cheapen the storyline if he had his stars “pull up the sheets and cover up.” And he feels there is “nothing wrong with nudity–it’s beautiful.”

Seriously? give me a break. Sure, the body is beautiful. But personally, I don’t want to see my boss, my friends, my family… really anyone in my life naked, other than my husband.

As a relationship coach who has literally seen it all, the way the main characters go about finding each other is clearly NOT how lasting love is ever found. Zwick claims he was simply reflecting the way Twenty-Somethings find love these days with repeated promiscuous sex until they get it right and a relationship stick. Don’t get me wrong, promiscuity happens every day, but lasting love is not what follows those encounters. Instead broken lives become filled with more emptiness.

If you’re intrigued to see what the pharmaceutical world is like behind the scenes, with romance thrown in, see this film. But this is not director Edward Zwick’s typical masterpieces where you’ll find yourself seeing it at the theatre multiple times then rush to pick up the DVD on the day of its release. It easily could have been if there had been a few different directorial choices. The end result? A film to see once then move on to the next film.

What to do with THAT Text!

I got an email from a reader who wanted to remain anonymous. She’s met a new guy and he texted her requesting sex. What should she do?

QUESTION: “Victorya, How do i handle text messages from a guy ( who i really like) about having sex with me ? We went out once and really had a good time, and we didn´t even kissed, thay´s why i think he could not be just after sex. So i don´t want to scare him away if i answer those text messages in a bad way ( rude), but on the other hand, i don´t want to act as if everything was ok, since i think he is being inappropiate (he nearly knows me) and disrespectful. Should i act in a light hearted way and joke about it and keep the answers vague or should i have spunk and be mad about it and tell him that i´m not the kind of girl who has sex with a guy i bearly know so that he decides whether he still wants me?Help!”

ANSWER: This guy is clearly not looking for love. He’s checking things out (in a chicken way) to see if you’re up for a fling. I call him a jerk because you say he acted respectfully on your date, then sends a tacky text about sex. If you’re looking for a relationship that lasts, this is not the guy for you. I think you know that as well because the text DID offend you. I wouldn’t bother to respond….he’ll notice that believe me.

Best advice I can give you for your future–DON’T get involved with sexting ever. Sadly few people realize that can literally mess up your life, relationships and career (hello….look what it did to Bret Favre!). Once you’ve sent the text, you are at the mercy of the recipient to do whatever he wants with it forever.

So what do you do with THAT text he sent? Delete it, ignore it, and move on to a guy who is interested in you, not a fling. Best is to ignore it. Other than that you can say “Seriously? Is this supposed to turn me on? Frankly it does the opposite.” Blowing him off will bug him more than getting defensive and soft peddling your feelings. Do not get caught up in feeling like you need to be light hearted about it or worried that by being a prude you’ll scare him away. You don’t want him–he is only interested in using you. If Brett Favre really sent those texts to that reporter, he was only interested in using her for sex, nothing more.

Hold out for a guy who deserves to spend time with you.

Are You in a Rock and a Hard Place?

Between a Rock and a Grace Place - I don’t know about you, but plenty of times I have found myself in that miserable, overwhelming, could-not-catch-my-breath spot “between a rock and a hard place.” Just this morning I was in another one of those spots where I had to humble myself, beg grace and see what happens next. That is one of the reasons I gobble up anything my friend and mentor Carol Kent writes and her brand new release is exactly what I needed right now and can touch you as well. No matter what heartbreak, disappoint or crisis you face, this book can touch your heart and offer you hope. Here’s an interview with Carol about her latest book of inspiration.

Tell us about the Christmas gift you received. How did it help you to find grace in the middle of a seemingly hopeless situation?

Two weeks before Christmas our doorbell rang at 9:15 p.m. It was dark outside and by the time my husband, Gene, joined me at the front door, we were surprised to find no one there. It was already dark, but my eyes fell on a large, exquisitely wrapped gift. The card on top said, “Mom.” Initially, it felt like a bad joke. Nine years earlier our son, a graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy had been arrested for murdering his wife’s first husband and he was in prison serving a life-without-the-possibility-of-parole sentence.

However, I am a “Mom” and the package was left on my doorstep, so I opened it. The note appeared to be in my son’s unique handwriting. The note expressed his deep love for me and his gratefulness for what I had done to help him since his arrest. He said a “friend” had helped him deliver the surprise. Opening the box, I discovered a gorgeous russet-colored silk jacket—and it fit me perfectly.

That night I discovered something new about God and something I had forgotten about myself. He loves to interject divine surprises into our lives. His timing is always perfect, but it had been a while since I had been surprised by joy, wonder, and grace in the middle of one of the tight spots of life.

What are “grace places,” and how can hurting people in need find them?

All of us experience tight spots when life turns out differently from our dream. When we face the overwhelming obstacles of life, we can experience the last thing we ever expect—the sweet spot of grace. Grace places have a variety of forms, but some include:

  • Receiving love when we don’t deserve it
  • Finding safety in the middle of a fearful and uncertain experience
  • Being comforted by friends and family (people who are extensions of God’s love)
  • Experiencing the embrace of God when we have run out of strength and courage

“Grace means the free, unmerited, unexpected love of God, and all the benefits, delights, and comforts which flow from it.” (R.P.C. Hanson)

How important are contentment and gratitude in finding grace and peace?

My son, Jason, is teaching me that I need to choose contentment and thanksgiving in all things. As an inmate in a maximum-security prison, all of his personal items must fit in one small one-foot-high and one-and a half-feet-deep and two-and-a half feet long steel lockbox. He has learned to live comfortably with very little, which brings him a surprising sense of peace.

When I was visiting him one weekend I asked how he holds on to hope in the middle of a life-without-the-possibility-of-parole sentence. He said, “Mom, I have a gratitude list. Whenever the clouds of depression try to discouragement, I get out a piece of paper and write down everything I have to be thankful for. I’m thankful I have two parents who will be my advocates for as long as they live. The average number of years a lifer gets visits is five years and then no one comes anymore. I’m also thankful I can be a missionary on a compound that houses up to 1,700 men.” I’m learning from Jason that I find contentment when I choose to be thankful and when I invest my time in helping other people.

What are some unexpected gestures of kindness you’ve received in the past, and how did they help you through difficult times?

A couple of years ago Jason’s appendix ruptured and he was rushed from the prison to a civilian hospital. Gene and I were not allowed to know where he was and I prayed for someone to care for him as a mother would. He had two armed guards in his room at all times. Nurse Betty was assigned to Jason’s care. She treated him with respect and extraordinary care—and I knew she was a direct answer to my prayers.

A group of people who called themselves our “Stretcher Bearers” received an e-mailed monthly update on how to help with our needs. We were blessed with meals, cards, and financial gifts, often just before we needed extra funds for the next legal payment. These amazing people waited with us for two and a half years through seven postponements of the trial.

How has your definition of adventure changed over the years, and why is it important to retain adventure in your life, despite your situation?

True adventure is seeing the potential of living for things that matter in the middle of your current circumstances. We had the adventure of launching a nonprofit organization that helps to empower our son to facilitate classes by having books and DVD teaching series sent to the prison. We also have the adventure of reaching out to other people who are in crisis, which brings purpose and deep meaning to our lives.

There is a theme of surprise throughout the book. What is one of the greatest surprises you’ve had?

The powerful story of Tammy Wilson and Matthew Ben Rodriguez is in this book. Tammy contacted me after I spoke at an event she attended because my son is incarcerated in the same prison where Matt, the man who killed her mother thirteen years ago is incarcerated. She had been praying for someone to lead Matt to Christ and asked if Jason would try to meet him. It turned out that Jason and Matt were already friends and this amazing story is one of forgiveness, redemption, and restoration that can only be explained in the supernatural dimension.

Between a Rock and a Grace Place releases 10 years after your son, Jason, was sentenced to life in a maximum security prison and includes excerpts from Jason’s letters. Can you tell us how he’s doing now?

He has just taken his 8th group of men through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University Course and he will be facilitating a biblical counseling class on marriage and family this fall. He has a prayer group of twelve inmates who fast and pray for the needs of each other and their families. Prison is a depressing, dark, and sad place, but Jason is living for things that will outlast him.

When you received news about Jason’s clemency hearing being denied, how did you respond?

I wailed like a baby, sobbed, felt angry, hurt, and disappointed in God. Then we saw Jason a day after this devastating news. He was calm and very much at peace. He hugged me as I wept and said, “Mom, this case isn’t about having the best attorney or about having the favor of Florida’s top executive political leaders. If I am ever allowed to walk in freedom in this lifetime, it will be because God miraculously opened a door that was closed.” My son helps me to develop an eternal perspective and that day he comforted me.

What advice do you have for those who are stuck between a rock and a grace place?

In the middle of your own hurt reach out to someone else who needs help worse than you do. When you involve yourself in meeting the needs of others, you discover an unexpected freedom on the inside. Corrie ten Boom once said, “What did you do today that only a Christian would have done?”

As a result of your journey, you and your husband have founded the nonprofit organization Speak Up for Hope. What are the goals of the organization, and how can people get involved?

Our vision: To help inmates and their families adjust to their new normal.

Our mission: We exist to provide hope to inmates and their families through encouragement and resources.

Please go to www.speakupforhope.org for a list of practical ways individuals, churches, and organizations can help with specific projects. Our goal is to live out the truth of Prov. 31:8-9: “Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of all the down-and-outers. Speak out for justice. Stand up for the poor and destitute!”

Where may we connect with you further or to purchase a copy of Between a Rock and a Grace Place?

Carol welcomes you to visit her web site at www.CarolKent.org, browse through the various events and other resources available. You may also join me on my Facebook page, please click here.

A complimentary copy of this book was provided to me as a blog tour host by Zondervan in exchange for posting this interview on my blog. Please visit Christian Speaker Services atwww.ChristianSpeakerServices.com for more information about blog tour management services.

Rock and a Grace Place

Between a Rock & Grace Place

Don’t Freak out when you Blow It

Okay ladies, another one of my clients called in a panic because she had blown it with her man by freaking out on him and throwing a scene. After I heard the whole story it was apparent that she indeed over-reacted and went a little “psycho” over nothing. But I also encouraged her in letting her know that we all have a little psycho in us and we all have blown it before. That doesn’t not mean it has to be the end of the relationship. When you over-react and freak out on your man then, what are you supposed to do when it “hits the fan” so to speak? Here are my 3 quick “get me through this and save me” tips.

1. Breathe. Yes, I mean, stop and take a breathe and calm down so you can gain perspective.  Chances are you over-reacted because things have been building up and what you flipped out on had nothing to do with what the real problem is. Also, most likely this is at the height of your menstral cycle when we are all a bit more emotional to say the least.

2. Take the blame and apologize. Yes, I did say apologize. We all blow it at some point. Just cop to the fact that you blew it. You can say something like “I am so sorry. I don’t why that set me off, I’ve been under so much pressure (or stress) and I just lost it. Please forgive me.” A little bit of groveling can go a long way! You will always be the bigger and better person for accepting responsibility when we blow it (even when you feel the other person has some blame in what set you off, you are still responsible for your REACTION to them).

3. Give some space and move on. You may need to bow out for the evening and go home to give some cooling off time. That does not mean the relationship is over. It just means it’s best to add some distance for the other person to accept your apology and hopefully see his part in the conflict. Don’t panic at this stage and no demand he forgive you instantly. You’ve done your part, now let it go and give him space.

So hang in there next time you freak out. Breathe, apologize and move on and you will awake to find out that you survived and most likely, so did your relationship.

Thankfully, Bristol Broke it off!

Palin and Johnston before breakupLess than 3 weeks after the US Magazine announcement of an engagement, Bristol Palin has called off her engagement to Levi Johnston. As painful as breakups are, this will ultimately be such a blessing that it ends NOW rather than after the wedding because believe me, this guy is trouble. Anyone who would betray someone the way he betrayed and sold out Bristol and her family would certainly do it again. And forget the excuse that he was young. Character is developed early and this is a guy who not only sold out his ex-girlfriend’s family for media attention, he also rushed out and took it all off in a PlayGirl spread. Yes, Bristol, mourn the loss of love and the loss of your dream of you two being together, but know that one day you will be thrilled with your decision to end it for the second time! (Check out the whole story here: http://hhvx.com/BristolPalin.)

Ali chooses Love…Will it Last?

Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky with fiance

Bachelorette Fedotowsky steps out with fiancé Robert Martinezo in Hollywood

Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky steps out with fiancé Roberto Martinez in Hollywood after the season finale revealed she accepts his proposal. An adorable couple I rooted for all season, I wish them both the best, but have doubts they’ll make it in the long run with their impulsive decision to move in together right away, oh my. Sadly, couples who live together before marriage have an even higher risk of break up than couples who wait for marriage to cohabitant. Not only that, Ali & Roberto have the Bachelor/Bachelorette curse of less than 10% making it down the aisle. The show has exactly two couples who have. And although last night was the franchise’s highest rated finale since 2004, as a Love Coach my main concern for the couple’s chances of success is that they have rushed into moving in together, long before the relationship has had any time to mature. Such a bummer. Ali & Roberto had the most in common, the strongest chemistry, and best shot of a life after the show. Yes, she really liked Frank too, but even if another girl did NOT come back in the picture, Frank was not the best choice for Ali when you look at the whole package–he had recently given up a solid career to pursue a Hollywood dream of writing a yet unwritten screenplay and still lives at home…not exactly currently in a place to support a wife. I’m all for pursuing your dreams, but he could have written his screenplay and kept his day job until he got his break!).

Back to my point about why I’m bummed they rushed to move in together. Once a relationship rushes into sex, communication and respect slow down or cease because the focus is on chemistry. Now that they live together he no longer has to work at winning her over and the relationship will settle into everyday life of “playing house” long before there is a foundation and history together other than the bubble of a fantasy relationship developed in front of the cameras. Thus a relationship that had all the potential to work out in the long run may fall apart merely because they skipped the vital step of laying the foundation. Time will tell.

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